my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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