i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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