I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
