also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
