the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
