Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
