I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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