Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
