There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
