Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
