Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
