you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
