I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
