Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
