it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
