oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
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Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When did angry sex become our thing?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize