my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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