I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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