the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
