i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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