its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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