Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
