I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
