yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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