i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
