Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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