I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
