I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
