Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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