What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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