Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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