Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
