When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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