I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So here I am, sexting at work.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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