Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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