Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
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You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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