It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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