Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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