I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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