Your face is a jimmy john
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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