So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
