I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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