i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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