I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
