You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
