I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize