Non-Jews are for practice
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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