he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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