i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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