The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
