I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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