this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
