i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
