I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
