I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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