I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
