i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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