please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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